In The End
by Lady Jesca
Summary: Spike after Buffy's Death


In the End (Rated R)  
  
This is the second fic in the Linkin Park Collection. It isn't a sequel. It has nothing to do with the first in the LPC nor will it have anything to do with the others. The LPC is just a collection of fics that were inspired by Linkin Park's CD Hybrid Theory. Throughout the story are the lyrics to the song. I hope that isn't too annoying. I know some people don't like song fics.but I do. Anyway, the song is In The End by Linkin Park. Anyone who likes rock should definitely check it out.  
  
This is a Spike POV story that takes place right after the end of Season 5 BtVS. It contains his reflections on Buffy's death and his attraction to her. I wrote it right after Linkin Park's first CD came out.  
  
I use double slashes to denote internal monologue.  
  
**~**  
  
//What did I do that for? Why the bloody fuck did I let myself do it? I mean it isn't a rule because it's a no brainer! No need to have a rule about a no brainer! You just don't do it. You just don't fall in love with a slayer!//  
  
Spike closed his eyes and let the music surround him. Loud piano background reverberated off the walls of the crypt. His crypt could be heard for miles. The band was good. He smiled and silently thanked Willow for bringing over the player and the song. The song. It was perfect. Since she left, Spike had been listening to the song.  
  
It starts with one thing  
  
I don't know why  
  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
  
keep that in mind  
  
Spike nodded to the rhythm of the song. It was right. Everything.  
  
//Stupid blokes who tell you to just try. Better to love and lose and all that shit. Bullshit. If I'd have just not loved, I'd be rejoicing. I'd be happy. I'd be dancing in my crypt chanting, "The slayer is dead!" Ding- dong the slayers dead.//  
  
Spike turned toward the player and watched the seconds tick on the timer.  
  
I designed this rhyme  
  
To explain in due time  
  
All I know  
  
Time is a valuable thing  
  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings  
  
Watch it count down to the end of the day  
  
The clock ticks life away  
  
It's so unreal  
  
Didn't look out below  
  
Watch the time go right out the window  
  
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know  
  
Wasted it all just to watch you go  
  
Spike wiped at his eyes. Even while alone he didn't want to cry anymore. Part of him was afraid that if he let go, it would be like that morning. Like when he saw her laying there. Moments he couldn't, wouldn't //didn't want to// comprehend that she was gone. Dead. Then when the fog in his head cleared it broke his resistance. He couldn't stop crying, and he didn't want that. He didn't need the weakness.  
  
//My life is full of fucking weaknesses. I don't need another. Moments of weakness are what got me to this forsaken place in my fucked up life. That should teach me. Will it teach me?//  
  
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart  
  
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when  
  
I tried so hard  
  
And got so far  
  
But in the end  
  
It doesn't even matter  
  
I had to fall  
  
To lose it all  
  
But in the end  
  
It doesn't even matter  
  
Spike gave a short bark of a laugh. Bitter and painful as he let these words hit him. Each word a bullet, wounding him far better than any real bullet could.  
  
//I did try. I fought every fucking minute. Every minute.//  
  
"EVERY MINUTE!" He screamed to himself.  
  
//I fought the evil in me. I came so close. Maybe it looked like playing to the average Joe. Maybe it looked like acting. I was trying. I was bending everything inside me to resemble something, anything she could desire. Anything she could see as good. Does anyone even know how hard it was? Does anyone even care? Prolly not. They look at me and they see a vampire. They see the chap that tried to kill them. They see the one who wanted what the likes of Drusilla could offer him. They don't know how tempted I was to let Drusilla take me back to the darkness. They don't know how hard it was to turn away after I fed with her. Real blood. Warm blood. From the neck. They don't know. I tried. I had to really work to be what she wanted. And for what?//  
  
"For what?" He muttered as he sat up on the stone that was his bed, his legs dangling over the side as his eyes were fixed on the player.  
  
One thing, I don't know why  
  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
  
keep that in mind  
  
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time  
  
I tried so hard  
  
In spite of the way you were mocking me  
  
Acting like I was part of your property  
  
Remembering all the times you fought with me  
  
I'm surprised it got so (far)  
  
//Who's crystal ball did they have to look in to write a song about Buffy and me? No matter how badly she treated me, I knew. I knew I'd try harder. I knew I'd never stop. Something. Finally. Inspired me. Something finally made me want. I finally saw a way to get something, anything that I wanted. I fucking took the chance, even though I knew she didn't love me. Even though I knew she never would. I knew she never would love a bloke like me. But if I could make her see. If I could show her my evil, she'd know how far I'd come away from it. She'd know how I pushed it down. For her. Always for her. Only for her.//  
  
Like a slide show in his mind, all the punches, kicks, and slaps she delivered to him shot through his mind, making him smile.  
  
//She was so beautiful when she fought. I sometimes didn't care if I was getting my ass kicked. I just wanted to be there.//  
  
Things aren't the way they were before  
  
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore  
  
Not that you knew me back then  
  
But it all comes back to me (in the end)  
  
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart  
  
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I  
  
His smile faded as he thought about the truth of this. Of how much this truth hurt him.  
  
//She never knew me. Now she never will. A new slayer will come in here and she won't know me either. She won't know that I've changed. She won't know I'm not gonna kill everyone in sight. Will I still be this way? Hell, I don't know. Don't see much of a point anymore. No one to impress anymore. No one who would give two figs for his good deeds. But somehow I can't see going back. I'm just not the same. She changed me. Damn it all, she changed me. But no matter, all it comes down to is when I look back on this time in my life, I'll see a time when I tried harder than I ever have in my whole useless life only for her to go and do a God damned heroic thing and die!//  
  
I've put my trust in you  
  
Pushed as far as I can go  
  
And for all this  
  
There's only one thing you should know I tried so hard  
  
And got so far  
  
But in the end  
  
It doesn't even matter  
  
I had to fall  
  
To lose it all  
  
But in the end  
  
It doesn't even matter  
  
Spike lay down again, and waited as the song restarted. Like the player, his mind was on repeat. And the same feelings coursed through him, the same thoughts, provoked by the same lines. One day the song would stop, and the thoughts would too. One day. But not today. 


End file.
